Mellie's Books

Yes, it’s about time we had another excerpt from Esperance. This is from Jareth, First Lord, Esperance Book 1

Excerpt:

“Have I changed my mind? Do I still want you? I have always wanted you Viviane, since I first saw you on the parade grounds in Belfort. If I ever change my mind, it will be because you have pushed me so far away I feel I can never return. I want you for my wife, Viviane. I want you so badly I can barely stand it. But have you ever felt even the faintest desire for me?”

Viviane looked up at him for a moment, while composing her thoughts.

“Jareth, I went riding today to think about you–about us. I’m not sure how you feel about me anymore. You’ve been a true friend during terrible times I’ve been through. I tried to be your friend as a start toward something more,” she continued, “and I feel more for you than I ever have.”

“Really, Viviane, or is this just some game you’re playing?”

She paused again, temper beginning to rise.

“I don’t play those sorts of games, Jareth! Yes, I have felt desire for you. During the Suitor’s Dance on the last evening of the Gather, the way you held me and looked at me made me feel things I’d never felt before. At the close of the evening, as you swept me off my feet and into the house, your whole attitude toward me was different. I felt whole and alive, like you were seeing me as a woman for the first time. You sometimes act like you’re afraid to show me your desire, for fear I’ll reject you, I assume.”

“Where do you suppose I’d get that idea?” he asked.

“I’m trying, Jareth, I really am! I want to know it again, to feel wanted and desired. For some reason, I can’t allow myself those feelings I want so very much. Don’t turn away from me, Jareth, please!”

Angry and frustrated, Jareth still felt he ought to reach out to Viviane, who was now as upset as he was. While he couldn’t bear the thought of letting her go, after this much work and a pool of tears, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. As he thought about it, he decided, no. He wasn’t ready to give up yet.

Stepping away, he looked down at her. “Viviane,” he said quietly, “you said you had gone out to think about us today. May I ask what you decided?”

Staring at the floor, she began speaking, almost too softly for him to hear her.

“When I first came here, I intended to make a place for myself in the clan like the others, until I learned of your intentions. That scared me. I’d finally escaped one ruling house. Why would I want to get involved in another? So I decided to use the time to make plans of my own, away from you, to spare me the miseries of a ruling house all over again.”

“Oh, that’s great, Viviane! Lead me on and then dump me as soon as you can. I feel so much better now! Thank you.”

“Jareth, stop! Let me finish. You can’t understand now, unless you understand then.”

“Fine. Pray continue.”

“I was still mourning Robert’s death and this was part of the problem. I loved Robert, yes, but I think I really married him to escape from a place I loathed. Seeing The Choosing as a possibility to start over, I was a little relieved when I was chosen. At least until I got here and discovered I’d jumped from the boiling pot into the fire.”

“And this is supposed to make me feel better—how?”

“Just listen. I figured, since I was here and had some time to recuperate, I might as well see what kind of man you were before I struck out on my own. And somehow along the way, I began to fall in love, albeit against my wishes.”

“Oh, I see,” Jareth said with a sneer. “And then you fell in love.”

“Jareth, this is difficult enough without your ego getting in the way! You wanted me to explain, so I’m trying.”

“Whatever. Go on.”

“I fought my feelings for the longest time, trying to see something about you to hate, but I couldn’t find anything. And then you refused to let me ride alone. Now, you were behaving just like my brother. Here was something I could cling to and get angry about.

“But it didn’t last. You were right and I saw that I was being a fool.”

“Some things never change, I guess,” Jareth muttered.

“Fine! Do you want me to explain or not, because if you don’t, I won’t waste my breath.”

“No, no! Please go on. It makes a fascinating tale.”

“Since you’re so obviously bored by the whole thing, suffice it to say that I decided to give it a fighting chance, which is what led to my decision at the Gather. Instead of what I’d intended, which was to wait and tell you it wouldn’t work out and try to let you down easily, I gave us a chance.”

“And was your decision only a wonderful story to keep me on the hook until you had some more time?”

“No, damn you! After all the time I’d spent with everyone here in the house and working on the Gather, I understood how different your household was. There’s very little formality wherever you go and no pages or attendants at every turn. You are respected and loved by your people without demanding all the nonsense my family thrives on. With them, it’s almost an addiction. I decided being First Lady of Brannach might not be as bad as I’d believed.”

“I suppose it might be considered a fate worse than death, to some,” Jareth interjected.

“Be that way then, but you will hear me out. The dance at the Gather was extraordinary. I felt alive in a way I didn’t know existed. Then it all faded and like the char girl in the fairy tale, it was as if it had all been a dream.”

“Poor little Princess.” Jareth added.

“Think what you will, Jareth, but today while I was riding—apparently without leaving word—I tried to decide what I wanted to do. I really have fallen for you, but there’s something in the way, some fear or doubt. There’s something I can’t name which keeps me from taking that one last step. Until it’s gone, I can’t move forward.”

“And what do you expect me to do, wait in attendance and hope you’ll make a decision sometime during my lifetime?”

“My time is not yet up Jareth. You gave me a year…”

“…and it’s been a damned long one!” Jareth finished for her.

“Maybe it has, but it isn’t finished yet. It may be only a few weeks, but there is time. Unless you decide we’re through, I have until the end of the year to see if I can get past this last hurdle.”

“So what do we do now, Viviane?” he asked finally. “I can’t continue on this way. To have you in my house, in my life, someone I want as much as I want you–I can’t do it! It’s more than a man can bear.”

“I know the love and desire I hope for will blossom. But if you’re no longer willing to wait, I’ll understand.”

Jareth looked at her for a moment, and then shook his head. More time, always more twice-damned time.

“Perhaps we both need to reassess how we feel. Go to your room Viviane. I’ll be in my chambers if you want anything.” He turned to the door and left.

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